I am avoiding writing about the thing I need to write about.
Just like I avoided doing the thing I needed to do.
Avoid the people I need to avoid.
The avoidance is a response,
the fear of rejection,
the fear of abandonment.
An insecure attachment,
We avoid speaking of the things that make us uncomfortable,
the things that don’t sit right in our heads.
The things our hearts will break from if we say them out loud.
We avoid the difficult conversations.
We avoid the ugly truth.
Our conditioned response to fear,
to move away from the source of the threat,
Is both the thing that saves us,
And the thing that holds us back.
To move forward, to let go and move on,
We have to stop avoiding.
Stop the behaviour.
Take a deep breath.
Find your voice.
Find your truth.
An insecure, avoidant-dismissive attachment ‘disorder’, arises from distant, dismissive or otherwise emotionally unavailable or inconsistent parents. We like our space. We like our freedom. Growing up we never knew when love was coming or when anger might take its place. But it always did at some point. We grew fearful of the caregiver, despite also loving them. Eventually, we grew resentful and distrusting. We became independent and self-sufficient, and thought to be proud of it.
We are children of distrust.
We avoid situations we are unsure of.
Like when we don’t know if our lover is going to love us or be angry with us.
So we just stay away.
Uncertainty is to be avoided.
Monsters lurk in the dark.
In the shadows.
The shadows that come to inhabit the deep corners of our sub-conscious mind.
The shadows that must be faced if we are to be free.
And so I will write, about the things I have been avoiding.
And it will hurt.
I will be free.
But until the tree falls and the bucket needs filling,
I will sit.
May you be happy,
May you be healthy,
May you be free from suffering.