I am avoiding writing about the thing I need to write about.

Just like I avoided doing the thing I needed to do.

Avoid the people I need to avoid.

The avoidance is a response,

the fear of rejection,

the fear of abandonment.

An insecure attachment,


We avoid speaking of the things that make us uncomfortable,

the things that don’t sit right in our heads.

The things our hearts will break from if we say them out loud.

We avoid the difficult conversations.

We avoid the ugly truth.

Only now that I have said what that young woman inside me needed to say all those years ago, only now that I have identified and named my deepest fear, only now can I reflect on the influence this has had on every adult decision I’ve ever made.
~ Simone B’Free.

Our conditioned response to fear,

to move away from the source of the threat,

Is both the thing that saves us,

And the thing that holds us back.

To move forward, to let go and move on,

We have to stop avoiding.

Stop the behaviour.

Identify it.

Name it.

Own it.

Stop it.


Take a deep breath.

Find your voice.

Find your truth.

Facing the fear that resides in my darkest shadow, and from that place of terror, demanding that my needs to be met. That’s when my voice of courage, my authentic voice came to me. ~ Simone B’Free.

An insecure, avoidant-dismissive attachment ‘disorder’, arises from distant, dismissive or otherwise emotionally unavailable or inconsistent parents. We like our space. We like our freedom. Growing up we never knew when love was coming or when anger might take its place. But it always did at some point. We grew fearful of the caregiver, despite also loving them. Eventually, we grew resentful and distrusting. We became independent and self-sufficient, and thought to be proud of it.

We are children of distrust.

We avoid situations we are unsure of.

Like when we don’t know if our lover is going to love us or be angry with us.

So we just stay away.

Uncertainty is to be avoided.

Monsters lurk in the dark.

In the shadows.

The shadows that come to inhabit the deep corners of our sub-conscious mind.

The shadows that must be faced if we are to be free.

And so I will write, about the things I have been avoiding.

And it will hurt.

And then,


I will be free.

But until the tree falls and the bucket needs filling,

I will sit.

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you be free from suffering.


SB’F x

3 responses to “Avoid.”

  1. Hello Simone, I’ve just finished your latest piece, Wow ! I’m beginning to think you and I, albeit 20 years of age difference, are victims of the same generation of parents who unwittingly or even deliberately stifled our mental and emotional growth. I guess it’s not entirely their fault as they probably came from an even more detached family circle, you’ve described just about everything that has held me back, retarded my emotional and mental growth and not to mention my professional life. The thought of getting it wrong, of not saying or doing the “right” thing, not wanting to try for fear of failure and ridicule, if I don’t try I can’t fail, if I don’t say anything I won’t be embarrassed.
    All of this stuff resonates so strongly of where I’ve come from and a lot of it, even after doing a lot of damned hard work on myself, still haunts me. But I guess our redeeming feature is that we refuse to accept the stereotypes we were brought up to be, we want more than to live in the shadows of ignorant parenting regardless of whether past generation ideas about raising children were good bad or indifferent.
    We refuse the “it’s the way we were brought up” idea that our parents new best when one was told that children should be seen and not heard.
    Thank you for sharing this, it makes a lot of sense to me and I’m sure a lot of others, the mind boggles at what could’ve been.


  2. Avoidance has been a big part of my life in so many ways! But I find that in recent years, I avoid a lot less! I just go ahead and do whatever it is! There is still some avoidance there. Perhaps in terms of putting something off until I absolutely have to do whatever it is! But frankly I like myself a lot better when I don’t avoid.

  3. This thing of avoidance and our actions being brought about by the catalyst of abusive dismissive parents is very deep within me. I am not unaware of its presence or consequences. Only dealing with the fear of giving myself permission to be living my authentic self. How freeing that would be. I have come so far on my journey, I can see the goal, there is a fast way to travel that last few miles and there is a painfully slow way. I seem to be choosing daily, the slow way.

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