I am not what I was.

I am not what I was.

I am not who I was when I started this project.

It has changed me in ways that can’t be undone.

I’ve reached a point with it where, while I know I’ll never be ‘done’, the first stage of my journey is complete. Over the past few weeks I have felt a shift in my self, a deeper sense of coming into being. Of seeing things more clearly than before and feeling things that some wouldn’t believe.

The blog will change to reflect this shift. I will archive the posts made under the title ‘And she flies…’. Some will appear again in a new form as part of the book I am writing about the experience I’ve had. It is an embodied expression of existentialism. A personal quest for radical freedom, liberation from the shackles that had restricted the wonderings of my mind.

Now, I feel the need to unpack it further. Understand other people’s experiences of freedom. Ask my self “So what?”.

So what now.

So what next.

So what you did a thing, who cares?

Thank you all for reading, for commenting and messaging me. Your reflections are the feedback I seek about how I show up and the effect I have on the world. It is data for my mind to work with. In your words are answers to my questions “So what does it all mean to you? So what do you see? So what does your story tell you?”.

As I learn to notice and surface energetic patterns I become more intentional in my engagement with the world. Some days I have no appetite for certain types of interactions and other days I seek out that exact exchange.  Regular time spent alone means I notice more when other people are in my space. My awareness and sensitivity to other people’s presence as been heightened . 

I am now ‘by invitation only’.

I invite people in rather than host them all.

I am here to receive visitors and guests, however, they must respect that it is my house they are in.

I share my gifts with those I chose to share them with, they will not be taken or bribed from me anymore.

This might sound hard. It is. Strong boundaries are needed to protect a soft, warm heart.

It doesn’t mean I’m not warm and friendly to meet and interact with. It doesn’t prevent me from helping and being kind. I still believe in love. What has changed is my offer of ongoing obligation and meeting your expectations, a social contract that I am no longer willing to entertain.

It is simply that your needs do not become mine to meet.

And this opens me up. My world expands, I have more time, energy and space for new perspectives and experiences. To be open to what comes next.

I hope the next leg of my journey is a useful story to share. What do I do with this person I’ve become? Existentialism is a way, but the destination is very unclear…

The curse of the free mind. Without a free heart to hold it with, wisdom can lead to despair.

But for me, I’ve never felt happier. My conditioned mind is at ease. I am at peace with my soft heart, safely enclosed within the strong boundaries I have built. I am at peace with my angry shadow, regulated by compassion and insight. I am at peace with my wild womyn, a being now free to be.

For me, this project has been a huge success. Recently I sat reading Simone de Beauvoir’s essay What is Existentialism? and I smiled. And I noticed my mind at ease. Finally. My question has been answered; keep asking the question and the answer will emerge.

How might I be free?

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you be free from suffering.

Namaste

S x

One response to “I am not what I was.”

  1. Dear Simone/Shari, You are not giving up. You have progressed, and are evolving every day, expanding outwards into the universe. You amaze me, with your insights, evaluations, and emotions. I hope you will stay in contact with me and your other followers. I love your photos too!
    Love, Dave

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